Warmer days are coming and with that the tulip, pear and dogwood trees are in bloom. Daffodils are popping up and my head is about it explode. Spring is definitely here. I didn't realize just how OVER winter I was until I was out walking through our neighborhood with our boys feeling happy and relaxed. I have come to realize that God did not make boys to stay inside for more than a couple of hours. The last month has been brutal here in Indiana and spring could not have come at a better time. I was beginning to fear for the safety of my children and the sanity of me and Tony.
I don't think I have truly appreciated spring as much as I have this year. Being in the "south", I see so much more blooming and earlier too. I think also because I am walking around our neighborhood two, sometimes three times a day with two little explorers. They find as much joy in dirt as they do in the daffodils. I am finding myself oohing and aahhing over the grossest discoveries (centipedes and worms). I am a mom of boys. Of course, last year at this time, Tony was gone farming and I was left in Indianapolis by myself to pack up a house, finish school and close a very important chapter in our lives.
As I reflect on winter, I realize that I have been hibernating and "hunkered down" longer than just the last 6 months. For almost 3 years, I have been operating with blinders, only able to focus on what is in front of me and for many days, that was just too much. When we learned that we were pregnant with twins, I immediately took a step back from commitments and focused on taking care of me and my family. Once the twins came, I focused on surviving. Now that may sound terrible, but that is what we did the first year of their life. I sadly don't remember much because I was constantly taking care of someone. I remember being grateful and feeling blessed while at the same time exhausted and lonely. Gone were the days of heading out to the zoo or a playdate. Lunch or dinner with friends was few and very, very far between. Volunteering was nonexistent unless it was at Em's school. After taking care of my family, I had nothing left. When asked to help or do anything, NO had become my answer. I did not have the capacity to do anything else other than what was right in front of me. This has been hard and very humbling for a woman who prided herself on multitasking and the ability to organize and get anything accomplished that she put her mind too. Most days, I was lucky to get meals made and diapers changed and if it was a really, really good day, I got a shower.
I would like to think that much of that has changed over the past year, but it hasn't. When we made the decision to move, I did what I had to do to get our home and my family ready. My harsh reality was that I neglected friendships and other obligations because I just didn't have the emotional and physical energy to invest. That makes me sad because I thought of and still do think of my friends and family daily but reaching out and making that connection just was too much for some reason. Once we moved to Vincennes, I focused on making sure that my kids were settled, that I was supporting my husband farming and making our house a home. At the end of the day, I had nothing. What I mean by nothing is nothing left in me. My tank was empty. I was grateful the day was over so that I could hopeful get enough rest to start all over the next day. I was existing with a smile on my face and a "can do" attitude but I was still just existing. Existing is so not the way to live though. After surviving cancer, I promised myself that I would not waste a single day but cherish, embrace and be thankful for what God has given me.
Now, I know that I did not "waste" those days. My expectations for myself are always ridiculously high. I thought my life wouldn't change when we had the twins and moved. The reality is that it did and it should have changed. How could it not? And my life has changed for the better. My life is fuller and I am more content now that I ever have been. This is just a small season in my life where I have small people who need me to be there 24/7. It will pass and I will be able to say "yes" again. Many say that I will miss this season so that I should embrace it. To you, I say "yes, there are maybe 5 things that I will miss" but the dirty diapers, food throwing, sleepless nights, and the inability to go anywhere will not be missed. Sorry, I am just being honest.
As spring begins, I feel a renewed since of hope and energy about our lives and feel ready to say YES to the world around me. I mean, only maybe one or two yeses. I am not super woman. I am just an average woman, wife and mom who is a child of God doing the best she can every day. I embrace more moments than wish them away and truly love the little "specials" that my kids give me (kisses, hugs, boogers and worms). I smile and laugh more than I cry and you better believe that this city girl puts on her boots and heads outside as much as she can to take in the spring air and beauty of what is around her. I mean, you never know what tomorrow may hold so you better put on those boots and "get after it" (had to quote this amazing woman and author, Jennie Allen, from her new book, Restless).
I challenge you to do the same.
As I reflect on winter, I realize that I have been hibernating and "hunkered down" longer than just the last 6 months. For almost 3 years, I have been operating with blinders, only able to focus on what is in front of me and for many days, that was just too much. When we learned that we were pregnant with twins, I immediately took a step back from commitments and focused on taking care of me and my family. Once the twins came, I focused on surviving. Now that may sound terrible, but that is what we did the first year of their life. I sadly don't remember much because I was constantly taking care of someone. I remember being grateful and feeling blessed while at the same time exhausted and lonely. Gone were the days of heading out to the zoo or a playdate. Lunch or dinner with friends was few and very, very far between. Volunteering was nonexistent unless it was at Em's school. After taking care of my family, I had nothing left. When asked to help or do anything, NO had become my answer. I did not have the capacity to do anything else other than what was right in front of me. This has been hard and very humbling for a woman who prided herself on multitasking and the ability to organize and get anything accomplished that she put her mind too. Most days, I was lucky to get meals made and diapers changed and if it was a really, really good day, I got a shower.
I would like to think that much of that has changed over the past year, but it hasn't. When we made the decision to move, I did what I had to do to get our home and my family ready. My harsh reality was that I neglected friendships and other obligations because I just didn't have the emotional and physical energy to invest. That makes me sad because I thought of and still do think of my friends and family daily but reaching out and making that connection just was too much for some reason. Once we moved to Vincennes, I focused on making sure that my kids were settled, that I was supporting my husband farming and making our house a home. At the end of the day, I had nothing. What I mean by nothing is nothing left in me. My tank was empty. I was grateful the day was over so that I could hopeful get enough rest to start all over the next day. I was existing with a smile on my face and a "can do" attitude but I was still just existing. Existing is so not the way to live though. After surviving cancer, I promised myself that I would not waste a single day but cherish, embrace and be thankful for what God has given me.
Now, I know that I did not "waste" those days. My expectations for myself are always ridiculously high. I thought my life wouldn't change when we had the twins and moved. The reality is that it did and it should have changed. How could it not? And my life has changed for the better. My life is fuller and I am more content now that I ever have been. This is just a small season in my life where I have small people who need me to be there 24/7. It will pass and I will be able to say "yes" again. Many say that I will miss this season so that I should embrace it. To you, I say "yes, there are maybe 5 things that I will miss" but the dirty diapers, food throwing, sleepless nights, and the inability to go anywhere will not be missed. Sorry, I am just being honest.
I challenge you to do the same.
